


Facing a monster called yourself

by jezzie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bullying, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-28 19:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3867928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jezzie/pseuds/jezzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black thought he had seen everything at the age of 7.<br/>Remus Lupin thought his life was worthless.<br/>James Potter thought others were unworthy of understanding him.<br/>Peter Pettigrew was angry and needed someone who'll stand by him no matter what.<br/>A twisted story that reveals the inner skeletons in one's closet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remus Lupin's 10th Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything nor do I make money off this.
> 
> This is my first fanfic ever, hopefully you'll like it.  
> I HATE unfinished fics so I'll try to complete mine.

Remus Lupin cringed against the wall, trying to make himself smaller, invisible even. The scent of alcohol was choking him. Source of that smell smiled maliciously as it saw the fear in Remus's eyes. Remus tried not to, but his whole body was trembling. Remus cursed himself for daring to step outside his room when John Lupin was in the house. It doesn't matter how much you have to pee; you HAVE to stay inside like you did not exist.

Remus flinched when a pair of hands grabbed the front of his shirt. "Remus Lupin" John murmured,

"what a pleasant surprise, finding you here." John lifted Remus with his iron grasp and throw him onto the floor.

Remus writhed on the floor. He could feel last moon's injuries breaking open again. Remus was never recovered from full moons because he had nobody but himself to tend to his wounds. John's beatings did not make the healing process any faster. John kicked Remus, causing Remus's head to bang against the walls.

Remus bit his lip to stop himself from screaming; John did not like it when Remus made incoherent sounds - said it reminds him how much an _animal_ Remus is. However, everything was going fuzzy: Remus suspected concussion. John spat at him in disgust and walked out of the house. When darkness drowned out Remus's vision, he desperately wished his 10-year-old self never to wake up.

After a while, Remus gained consciousness. He tried sitting up : he had to clean up the blood and straighten the furniture before John came back. Only one shove and a kick. Maybe John was growing soft on Remus. After all, John loved Remus. Nobody else would love him, or even tolerate his being near them. Remus just suspected that love involved a lot of violence, because that's the way he was brought up to expect.

Remus wiped the almost dried, jelly like saliva off his face with his palm as he tried to stand up using the broken chair beside him. Everything in this house was broken in some ways : they were always short of money every furniture had to be second-handed. Social welfare, or 'poverty relief', could only go so far. Remus watched his breath come out in white puffs - it was just so cold inside this house.

They only had money for heating or eating and usually, it was eating. Sometimes, when the weather was unbearable John would pay for heating and Remus had to obtain scraps of food. Remus usually went to church for some bread, and then promised the sympathetic shopkeeper that he would later pay for all the expired tinned food he was 'borrowing'.

Remus was just putting the finishing touches to the sofa as he heard the door knock gently. He drew in a sharp breath. Nobody would be knocking at their door. That social welfare lady had visited last week; she would not be coming to check for another 3 weeks. The police did not knock gently. Come to think of it, Remus could not think of anyone who would knock politely like that.

Maybe it was just some church people trying to convince others of their faith. Yes, that must be it. Although those recruiters did not visit often in this part of the neighborhood, they must have decided to take an unconventional route of rounds, being the christmas season and all. Remus stayed silent, hoping they'll just go away.

Remus was just limping his way quietly across the living room when the front door clicked open. He stared in horror as a tall man with a impossibly long, white beard and a crooked nose smiled pleasantly at him.  
It was that day Remus learnt that he get to go to Hogwarts. He could not be more happy.


	2. the most ancient and noble house of BLACK

Sirius Black thought he had seen everything at the age of 7. But at his grandfather's funeral he realized that he had not yet seen the depths people would sink for money and power. To all those who shared Black heritage, Arcturus Black's death only meant power vacancy. For the time being, the throne of the most ancient and the noble house of Blacks was vacant; given the Slytherin nature engrained to Blacks, every branches of the Black household would not, could not miss this chance for more power, more strength. 

Lucretia Black and Cygnus Black may be Sirius Black's aunt and uncle but it did not mean they would hesitate when it came to killing Sirius or Regulus Black. Orion Black did not understand it fully because he was the destined heir the moment he was born. However, Walburga Black understood it only too well. After all, she willingly married her cousin only so she could be part of the Black "mainstream". She KNEW what Lucretia Black and Cygnus Black would do and was willing to fight the battle for the throne. After all, this was what she had been waiting for all those miserable years; to finally announce herself as a Queen. This funeral day meant that she was so close to her coronation. 

Without Orion Black's knowledge, Walburga Black silently worked for her rightful place. Although some people would think being born a heir was what that sealed the deal, Walburga knew better. It was all about politics. If enough people did not think they were fit to rule the Blacks, Orion and Walburga Black will be killed so Lucretia Black or Cygnus Black can take the throne. Orion never needs to know what must be done; after all, he is to become the frontier for our most noble and ancient house. His hands must remain clean. 

Years before the funeral, Walburga started to work. She needed to gain power, and gain it fast, because Arcturus Black's death was looming so close.

Walburga gathered her supporters with what she did best : manifesting fear and collecting weaknesses to her advantage. Gathering enough people to threaten Lucretia Black was easy. After all, she married and became part of different family. However, Cygnus Black was not so easily dismissed. Walburga had to gather bits by bits until she learned of Cygnus Black's only weakness : Andromeda Black. SHE was a blood-traitor, a fault that never goes forgiven nor forgotten in this Black household. Walburga almost managed a full smile - a smile that goes up to her eyes - when she learnt that Cygnus Black was so fond of his small muggle loving scum that he refused to punish her properly for her treason. 

At the fateful day called Arcturus Black's funeral, she gathered the whole Black household in front of the sacred tapestry. After all, the Black heir had to be crowned in front of this wall. When Walburga was sure that her followers outnumbered her brother's followers by tenfold, she sealed the gates and addressed the crowd. 

"Through death of Arcturus Black, a father and standard which we all relied on, was tragic, we must find a new standard we all must rely upon once again."

Walburga had everyone's full attention; later on, Sirius swore he could hear people's heartbeats because the room was soooo eerily silent. 

"However, before we proceed, we must be sure all of us are pure. Else, our motto of Toujours Pur would be wasted in vain. We mustn't have it, do we?"

As Walburga clicked her fingers, a frightened looking child was frog marched towards the center of a crescent they were all forming. Sirius recognized her at once : Andy, his favorite cousin. She struggled and shouted yet every attempt at freedom was in vain. Those guards were trained for combat in war - a skinny, posh girl did not have any chance against them. Sirius could see that she was close to tears; he hoped she would not shed them because such display of weakness will only make matters worse. Blacks did not spare any mercy for the weak. 

"Don't worry. If you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth then you shall not be crucioed." 

Walburga said smoothly before she force-fed veritaserum, also known as the truth serum. 

"Who are you and what family do you come from?"

"My name is Andromeda Black, known as Andy, and I come from the 2nd branch of the Blacks."

"Describe the nature of relationship between you and Ted Tonks."

"We are lovers. I secretly got engaged to him. My parents don't know."

"and what, exactly, is HIS blood-status?"

"He is muggle-born"

Nobody was stupid enough to gasp; that too was a sign of weakness. However, Sirius closed his eyes firmly. He knew what was coming and he desperately wished he had any means of stopping it. Without asking for permission, Cygnus Black stepped into the clearing. Sirius was surprised. Cygnus was a Black after all and he knew what defending his daughter would mean. Sirius watched as his uncle summoned up his courage and failed to do anything. He just stood there, gasping like a fish out of water.

On the other hand, Walburga spun around as if she was expecting her brother to step in. Her eyes were triumphant, but she did not comment; she just waited for her brother to do something. After a short moment, Walburga shoved him aside as she took her wand out of her pocket. The tip of the wand was glowing. Sirius watched as the blue glow formed a perfect arch and blasted Andy's name off the tapestry. Andy screamed, Cygnus sank to his knees; Walburga laughed.

"Toujours Pur." 

Walburga said, signalling the meeting and her coronation was over. People moved out silently, knowing that the Orion Household is the rightful heir to the most ancient and noble house of Black. Sirius hated it.


	3. Peter's tale ; A friend or a foe?

James Potter smiled his twisted smile as he stalked his prey; Peter Pettigrew. From the moment he set his eyes on Peter, James knew Pettigrew was an easy target. He had this everlasting defeated, scared puppy look on his eyes, and he always wore shabby clothes. James figured it must be poverty that had made this boy so vulnerable to bullies, but honestly, he didn't care. All he cared about was a thrill he got from chasing Peter, feeling predatory like a lion.

However, something did not feel so right. James always pictured himself as a hero, a flashing man in capes saving the world from evil villains. But as much as he pretended to be a superman, or a policeman chasing down some sort of an evil monster, deep down James knew Peter was no evil. He was too timid and shy to be those dashing villains.

James was torn into two. One of him loved the thrill of chasing Peter like a predator he was meant to be. Other one wanted this bullying to be stopped. It was not cool nor was it super-heroish. This conflict within him made 9-year-old James confused and angry; James just wished Peter would be gone so he wouldn't have to deal with these thoughts.

Yesterday was a typical day for James. Yesterday morning, James and his gang closed down on Peter and stripped Peter of every penny they could find. They left Peter teary and humiliated, laughing and feeling good about themselves. James was leaving too, when he realized he was supposed to be meeting his tutor for the first time today. He said goodbye to his mates and walked back to his home.

Then, he saw something that made him  _freeze_. Pettigrew, still bloody and limping a bit, was giving up his packed lunch to an old, homeless woman. He knew Pettigrew didn't have his week's allowance with him and now Pettigrew didn't have his lunch with him either. James felt more like a villain then ever; who was he to even think he was a hero? He felt shame and regret crawling up his petite conscience. He decided to make amends. And make them fast.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

James and his gang chased down the running boy. That chubby boy's face was streaming in tears, but his blurry vision did not impel his speed because this boy knew the route by heart. He had run this road too many times with Potter's gang chasing behind him. He heard Potter's laughter close to him and swore inwardly. Oh, what he wouldn't give to have revenge on him.

James Potter was nice, kind, caring, royal boy to whom he considered friends. However, he was not as nice to whom he considered unworthy of his attention. His parents never knew that side of him; James played his good son act perfectly. James even made friends with a muggle girl, making the Potters believe James was not prejudiced sort of jerk he really is.

Peter hit an dead-end; he knew that there was no escaping James Potter; but he had to try. He could not go down without a fight. His resolve crumbled just as James cornered him; those moments of pain and humiliation were too engraved in him. Maybe, just maybe if he roll over and let that Potter have his way, it would be over soon. Peter swallowed down his pride, pretending he had any to begin with.

"Good afternoon, Pettigrew." James drooled out lazily.

"Not such a good one for me, Thanks." Peter snapped, and cursed himself; why did he have to lose his temper so quick? It could only mean more severe beating from Potter. He was 9, but he knew that much.

"Not a good one?" Potter repeated with an amused air. "Then we'll have to make sure our favorite punching bag does feel better, don't we?"

James wrapped his hands around Peter's collar and choked him. Everyone around Peter burst out laughing; they thought Peter's squeals and vain attempts at freedom was amusing. Tear that had nothing to do with air deprivation was forming in his eyes ; he did not deserve such cruelty from his fellow classmates.

Potter threw Pettigrew to the brick wall surrounding them. Peter had to grasp a particularly protruding brick to maintain his upright position. Peter no longer cared what Potter will do anymore; he glared at Potter with all the hatred he felt right now.

"Not feeling better? No?" Potter mocked Pettigrew.

"Fuck off, Potter. What do you want this time, anyway? You know I don't have any money on me; you took it all yesterday."

"I was just helping you lose some weight. You know I hate it when my friends don't have any willpower to exert some self-control."

"You and your bullshit never cease to amaze me."

"You know, I'm going to propose a deal to you. And you can't say no." Potter smiled like a cat who had finally cornered a particularly fat Peter, I mean mouse.

"Whatever it is, I will not do it. I hope you and your deal goes to hell." Peter sneered.

It was the sneer that had done the trick, Peter knew. Potter lost the little patience he had and sunk a blow to Peter's stomach. Peter immediately lost his grip on the brick and sank to the ground; it hurt. Potter's little gang gathered round Peter and started the familiar routine of beating. Peter just curled up on himself and tried to ride out his pain. It had to be over soon; Potter did not like to leave everlasting scares.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Potter held up his hand. "Let's call it a day, guys. After all, we DO have tomorrow." Potter flashed his innocent, winning smile to Peter. Peter was too broken to show his disgust. He just stayed in his ball-like position like always. Peter vaguely wondered what Potter was up to now. He watched Potter and his gang pull away, and counted up to 100 mississippi before he dared to uncurl himself and gather his belongings. He was surprised when a familiar pair of shoes walked towards him.

Without looking up, Peter said, "I thought you couldn't even manage to find the loo without your minions looking after you, Potter."

"How did you know it was me? You're awfully intuitive." Potter jeered.

"Well, being the target to bullies such as yourself can do wonders for your intuition. You should try it out sometimes." Peter did not even look up; he was too busy dusting his belongings.

"I want to be friends with you. Will you be my friend?"

"WHAT?!" Peter didn't mean to shout. But it seemed like... it was... it's just so unexpected he lost control over his vocals. For a moment, Potter did not look like the cold, unfeeling statue that just looked down at you with disdain. He really did look like a human being for a change.

"I said, will you be my friend?, and I won't take no for an answer." Potter repeated himself, trying to be haughty and failing miserably.

Peter just stared at Potter, anger rising within him. Ever since Peter had moved into this neighborhood, Potter had picked on him; saying that he had this bully magnet look on him. How dare he had the audacity to utter those words?

"Let me ask you one thing - why?" Peter finally manage to choke out.

"You're a wizard, aren't you? I saw you making those flowers bloom out of season."

Peter felt like someone just froze him to his spot. James Potter was bad news, he knew, but this was worse then those beatings, His magic was never meant to be seen by anyone, especially a muggle like him. His guardians would never forgive him; what about Hogwarts? If they found out he had slipped, would they still let him go to Hogwarts? Peter just remained silent, all those rants whirling round his head.

"I am, too."

"Don't mess with me. Didn't you have enough fun already?"

"I'm not lying. I'm a wizard. Just like you."

Everything stopped; Peter could not even fathom what world he was standing in right now. It seemed like the sky had really fallen. He heard the sounds of his belonging falling out of his arms, but those sounds were too distant for him to care.

"I'll let you think about it." Potter said with a soothing tone Peter had never heard before. It would've surprised Peter had he been in more coherent condition. Potter turned and walked away.

Peter could do nothing but to gasp and say "What?"


	4. Stolen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I came back so late.  
> You know what they say - Life is a bitch.

Sirius walked towards platform 9 3/4 with a nervous twitch. Since the fateful day when he was 7, Sirius was made to be this thing - a heir. Sirius wanted nothing more then to escape this prison, yet he knew there would be no exit, not to him anyway. Maybe if Sirius was good enough at Hogwarts, Reg could be spared from the trials Sirius had to go through.

"Sirius Black, as a heir, keep in mind that you are not just a student in there; you represent our whole Black family."

"Yes, mother. Be assured that I will do nothing to dent our family honor."

"I am pleased. I will see you when you return for the holidays. You have my permission to board that train."

"Until then, mother, Regulus."

After nodding respectably to his mother and brother-father was too busy to see his first child off to his first day at Hogwarts- Sirius stepped into the train. He made sure Mother turned round before he waved his hands at his baby brother. He was going to miss Reg so much. Reg dared to send him a wink; Sirius couldn't help but grin at him.

Sirius knew he was supposed to go look for his cousins. Instead, he hid in the nearest empty compartment, hoping they wouldn't come looking for him. He was just looking out the door window for safety when he heard a very quiet whimper. Spinning round, he saw a pair of impossibly bright, amber eyes. Sirius did not recognize him; must be a half-blood, or a muggle born, then. Sirius didn't know what to do, but his numerous manner lessons took over.

"Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Sirius Black. What's your name?"

That boy didn't do anything. He just stared at the outstretched hand. Feeling bemused, Sirius put his hand down. Maybe those kind have different greeting methods from pure-blood ones. He resolved to find out. However, putting his hands down must have had some effect on that quaint boy because that boy flinched and ran out. Sirius wondered if he was mentally unstable.

Having the whole compartment to himself, he flopped down to sit and wondered about Hogwarts. He did not have to ponder for long because the compartment door soon sled open and a messy haired boy stepped in.

"Any of these seats taken? Do you mind if I sit here?"

"Nah, Make yourself comfortable."  
Sirius didn't offer a handshake or an introduction this time, just to be on the safe side. He didn't want this one running too.

This boy sat down and pulled out some crazy-looking stuff out of his pockets. Tap dancing teacups, fanged Frisbees, dong-bombs, and so much more. Those things caught Sirius's interest instantly.  
"Hey, what are these?" Sirius ventured.

Two hours later, Sirius and James were laughing and joking like they have been best pals forever. Sirius had never talked to non-family members besides servants before; it was oddly refreshing to have a non-family acquaintance. Sirius wondered if he was allowed to have friends; it would be nice to have friends.

Sometime after the trolley lady, James inquired playfully. “Did you hear the rumors?”

“What rumors?” Sirius had a whole houseful of cousins at Hogwarts, but didn’t hear anything; well, anything worthy of his attention, anyway.

“This year, one of the first-years is a _dark creature_!! It enrolled in Hogwarts with us!! I wonder what it is... could be anything.”

“That’s outrageous!! Really, a dark creature?” Sirius scoffed. “You shouldn't believe everything those elder students tell us. They’re just trying to mess with firsties, you know. I bet that rumor had been in Hogwarts for years.”

“But think!! How cool would it be?? I mean, those creatures are really dangerous!! They could eat us for snack or something!! It would be awesome!!”

Sirius laughed. He couldn't help it; James was so mental. “Yeah, It could be fun. I mean if there was a dementor attending Hogwarts... Just imagine Christmas. With all that mistletoe!! I could cast a charm so that monster always have a mistletoe floating around. Teachers would be so pleased.”

James chuckled. “You’re mental, you know that.”

“Can’t help it. Runs in the family.”

Sirius flung the comment casually, but kept a eye out for James’ reaction. As a Potter, James was bound to know about the Blacks. Sirius was keen to find out how much he knew, and how did he think of Sirius’ family. After all, it was essential for the heir to know how James thought of his family. Unfortunately, James didn’t show much reaction. Either he just thought it was a passing comment, or was smart enough to keep his thoughts to himself.

“Or.. or.. perhaps a vampire!! Oh, I really hope there’s at least one vampire at Hogwarts!! I've always wondered about its diet. I mean, does it eat anything else besides blood?” Sirius came back to reality; he was so lost in his thoughts he didn't hear what James was saying.

“Well, anything’s cool by me. As long as it doesn't attack me, I can make my peace with it.”

“Really, Sirius oh so noble a heir? Is that what the future Black family’s new front’s going to say? I can make my peace? That’s pathetic.”

Sirius and James both whipped their heads around at the same time. Sirius had his wand out; James was bare-handed. Both saw a slander girl with long raven hair and a menacing smile pointing her wand at Sirius.

“Bella, what are you doing here?” Sirius kept his tone pleasant, yet he still had his wand pointed at her. History taught Sirius better than lowering his wand in front of this girl-shaped maniac. The fact James did not have his wand out, still, made Sirius annoyed. Did he expect Sirius to protect him?

“I came to ask you the same question. What are you doing here? Family compartment is in the front.” Bellatrix smiled sweetly, but Sirius knew better. All Bellatrix wanted was revenge for Andromeda and a chance to bring her family branch some glory – by tainting Sirius’ name. Mother had warned Sirius of this.

“I was just making acquaintances with my fellow first-years. Nothing wrong with that.” Sirius didn't mean to sound so defensive; Bellatrix always had that effect on him. “But you’re right. I should be with family. Thank you for coming to fetch me.”

Sirius knew that Bellatrix did not believe a word he said. She narrowed her eyes, as if she was a cat judging its prey. However, she must have decided to let the matter slide for now, for she turned around and said “My pleasure. Follow me.”

Sirius shot James an apologetic look before grudgingly follow her out of James’ compartment. James finally had his wand out at last. Sirius was sure this compartment door felt light, full of anticipation and hope just a few hours ago. Now it felt heavy, like Sirius was closing his heart.


	5. ain't karma a bitch?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for enjoying my works  
> plz leave a feedback for me, if you have any thoughts on that matter.  
> title for this chapter comes from a line in Gossip Girl.

Peter was sitting in a crowded compartment feeling lonely. He was a muggle-born (or so he thought) so he didn't know anyone going to Hogwarts. Well, anyone except that bully Potter, and he doesn't count. Everyone seemed to know each other really well. By the looks of it, they knew each other, or knew someone in common. Peter tried to be invisible and kept his gaze fixed to the boring scenery outside the window. He slowly drifted off to sleep.

\-----  
Peter was maybe 9 years old, sitting in front of a heavy iron gate of a “children’s home” and looking down at the road below. It was purely out of habit now because he was too old for such foolish fantasies. Fantasies involving mommy finally changing her mind about leaving him in this dreary orphanage and coming to collect him. 

Peter shrugged off his thoughts and kept staring down the road. Summer heat was really getting to him, and his body was drenched in sweat. He could feel his hair radiating heat it absorbed from the sun. 

Peter watched as a paper bag rolled down the sidewalk. He was abandoned like that paper bag, left to rot in streets. That was a cruel thought, but it was the truth. Nobody loved Peter enough to shield him from the truth. Looking down the empty road, he felt something break within. Nobody was going to come. Peter stood up from the spot he occupied for 2 years, and then walked back inside. Since then, he gave up. On everything.  
\-----

Peter felt someone shaking him, and he realized he had been just dreaming. Opening his eyes, he saw a red-headed girl with a gentle smile. 

“Sorry to wake you, but you really have to change. The trolly lady said we’ll be arriving any minute now.”

“Err... Right. Thanks.”

“My pleasure. I’m Lily, Lily Evans. What’s your name?” Upon shaking her hand, he saw a greasy-looking kid practically glower at him. He growled silently in response.

“Petter Pettigrew. Nice to meet you.”

“Me too. Us girls are going to leave this compartment now, so you guys can change in peace.”

“Thanks.”  
Hogwarts was even a bigger deal than what Peter had originally thought. He didn't know why people were fussing over those houses, so the sorting thing was boring. Although many people whispered about “Black” and “Gryffindor”, he didn't give a fuck. All he cared about was food; he was too busy swallowing down his welcoming feast to make acquaintances. 

Later, when he went to his dorm-room for the first time, he cursed himself for not making any friends at welcoming feast. If he had made friends, or at least some friendly faces, he could have asked them to switch dorm-rooms. However, Peter was friendless therefore was stuck with that git Potter as roommates for 7 more years to come. 

How wonderful.


	6. Pride and Prejudice: Part 1. Wolf's Prejudice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to incorporate this into the story,  
> but Remus got his Daily Prophet from his neighbor.  
> Once she's finished with it, she gives it to Remus, who is too happy to accept.

First morning at Hogwarts was an early one for Remus. He woke up at crack of dawn to take his shower alone.The fact hot water ran freely surprised him so much. It felt something out of a fairytale. Back at home, during winter, sometimes pipes froze down and even cold showers were out of the question.

After showering and getting dressed, Remus had nothing better to do. Out of boredom, he went down to Gryffindor common room to find it completely deserted. He flopped down to one of its chairs and thought about his dorm-mates, or rather, one particular dorm mate.

Sirius Black.

Yesterday, when the hat had shouted out “Gryffindor!” whole school seemed to pause, gasp, and point at the same time. It seemed like everyone was in sync with everyone. Only ones indifferent to the news were Sirius and Peter. Even Dumbledore was no exception to Hogwart’s group sync.

When Remus saw Sirius on Hogwarts Express, he recognized the small Black instantly. Remus saw Orion Black’s photo often enough on Prophet. Honestly, it was hard not to recognize Sirius, that boy was a carbon copy of his father, Orion Black.

In one of photos Remus saw, Orion was shaking hands with prime minister, saying he supported minister’s views on legalizing werewolf hunting.

Remus stopped his musing and went to examine Gryffindor notice boards. Already those boards were flashing with help-wanted advertisements. Yesterday, prefects talked about working scholarships to firsties, and Remus was interested.

Tuition fees were not cheap, and by the time Remus graduated he was going to have a huge loan above his head. He knew enough about debts to know he didn’t want one. With his family income (next to nothing), he could have easily attended Hogwarts for free on social welfare basis, but ministry ‘education benefits’ left out non-human creatures such as himself.

One particular advertisement caught his eye.

Help Wanted  
for Detoxification of Baser dungeons.

May or May not involve : Dangerous magical creature(s), Poison, cursed object(s).

Required Qualification(s) :

  Arithmancy – Exceed Expectations  
Care of Magical Creatures – Exceed Expectations  
Charms – Exceed Expectations  
Defense Against the Dark Arts - Outstanding  
Herbology - Exceed Expectations  
Potions - Outstanding  
Transfiguration – Exceed Expectations

* Grades mentioned are based on Ordinary Wizarding Level.  
** Applicants must meet at least three qualifications for this job.

Payments

15 Galleons/day  
Extra Credit for Defence Against the Dark Arts

Anyone interested contact his/her head of house for more details.

15 Galleons!! All of Remus’s belongings put together didn’t cost that much. Remus was reading that advertisement for the third time when he heard a wolf-whistle and playful voice of Sirius Black speaking to him.

“Looks like a breeze. Planning to apply for that?”

Remus was having a heart stroke. Orion’s son was too close to him. Remus knew it was irrational, but somehow Black heir was going to find out if Remus was standing too close to him. In vain, Remus tried to answer him normally, yet all that came out was incoherent sounds. (like a animal, a John-like voice in his head informed him) In spite of his reaction, Sirius just continued speaking like Remus replied.

“Ahhhh. What a shame we don’t have our O.W.L.s yet. Don’t worry. There’s bound to be something in for students like us.”

Remus was still keeping his silence; Sirius was looking at him questioningly.

“Why are you acting that way? I haven’t done anything to you; in fact, you were the one who ran out on me back at Hogwarts Express. What’s up with that?”

Orion Black’s face was too close to him. Remus couldn’t deal with any of this. He turned and ran away, just like John described, a dog with tails between his legs.

\------------------

First night at Hogwarts was somewhat strange; Sirius couldn’t adjust to the fact that there are others in his quarters. Just mere presence of others were discomforting; back at home, it always meant bad news. Only Reg was the exception to that rule. Sirius was giving up sleep altogether when he saw Lupin take off quietly.

He knew that Lupin bloke didn’t like him. The moment Lupin found out he was sharing his dorm with Sirius his face just crumbled with disdain. Sirius sighed internally. It was bad enough Slytherin – a quarter of Hogwarts, by the way – hated him for being a Black and a Gryffindor. Now a quarter of his own dorm hated him probably for the same reasons. What a way to start school.

After a moment, Sirius sat up straight with determination. He wouldn’t have people hating him anymore. He had enough back at home. Well, unlike home, in here he _could_ make a difference. That’s all Sirius needed. He was going to make the whole castle love him in spite of his family and his lion clad house – starting with Lupin. Sirius was going to be so charming and brilliant, and Lupin was going to like him and befriend him and all that.

Loving his stroke of brilliance, he continued to be pleasant to Lupin until he ran off – again. Sirius debated on following him or taking a shower. Sirius chose shower. He figured since both of them take same classes everyday and share a dorm, Sirius would have ample amount of time to charm Lupin. He went upstairs slowly, trying to not feel rejected; yet, his morning cheer was long forgotten.


	7. Secrets and Pajamas

“Well, Mr. Potter, I’ve got to give it to you. I’ve never seen a first-year who can tell a unicorn hair apart from a fairy’s. 5 points to Gryffindor!” Slughorn cried out.

Peter let out a groan. It was second time today a professor had complimented him, and it was already growing old. Apart from Sirius Black, nobody was even _close_ to competing with him in classes. Peter knew James was smart; they had attended same muggle schools. Though Peter never figured out why James went there. It was only their first week at Hogwarts, but everyone (except for Slytherins) was head over hill for James.

On second thought, if Peter hadn’t known any better, he would’ve been head over hills for James as well. He was smart, good-looking, and charming. It helped that his last name was Potter, too. When he introduced himself, people always said “are you from that Potter family?” or “Ooh, I know your father/mother/grandfather/...” On the other hand, when Peter introduced himself, people would just say “Nice to meet you too, Peter” and just walk away.

Class was over, but Peter didn’t bother standing up. It was no use trying to leave. Potter and Black was clowning in front of their admirers, which was everyone in Potions (again, except for Slytherins), and was blocking the exist. He was just sitting there, when he noticed his brown-haired roommate on the floor picking up his stuff. That boy was so withdrawn and quiet Peter hardly ever talked to him. Out of boredom, Peter went to boy’s side of classroom to help him and was promptly surprised.

“Bloody Hell! Why are you carrying all these stuff? You going camping or something?”

Peter thought he saw panic in Remus’s eyes- but it was gone so fast Peter wasn’t sure he saw it at all. Remus shrugged nonchalantly. “Nah, just a simple mistake. My unpacking isn’t complete, and I brought the wrong bag by mistake.”

Even Peter could tell that was a big fat lie; he _knew_ Remus had his stuff meticulously organized. There was no way he didn’t finish unpacking. However, Peter decided to let that matter slide. He wasn’t nosy, for god’s sake.

“Here, let me help you. Must be crushed under its weight.”

“No matter. I can handle that.”

Peter was swaggering; Remus’s book stack weighed a ton. Peter felt his jaw drop when Remus swooped in and lifted it like it weighed nothing. How strong was the guy? Peter silently watched as Remus nodded his goodbye and walked towards North Tower; Peter remembered that Gryffindor Tower was in South. Something was definitely off with Lupin.

He was still trying to figure Lupin out when he reached Gryffindor Tower. Passing Potter and his clowns in the common room, he climbed up the stairs to find Black lying on his bed. A little surprised, Peter asked, “Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs with Potter?”

“Nay, couldn’t be bothered; I’m done entertaining others for today.”

Peter was changing out of his school robes when Sirius said, “Well, did you see Lupin, by any chance? He seems to be avoiding me.”

“I saw him at the end of Potions. He went towards North Tower. Guess we won’t be seeing him around for a few hours.”

After a moment of hesitation, Peter’s curiosity got the better of him, and he blurted out: “He was carrying weird combination of stuff, if you ask me. Whole bunch of textbooks, pajamas, and that bloke even had a crossword puzzle with him.”

Black seemed to ponder this piece of information. “Did you ask the guy why he was carrying pajamas to Potions?”

“Yeah. Said he wasn’t fully unpacked yet, and brought wrong bag to class by mistake.”

“That’s bollocks. Lupin’s place is the neatest among us.”

“I know, but I wasn’t going to be nosy, so I stopped prying.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go find out!”

“What? ARE YOU MENTAL?”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Besides, today’s Friday, and I’ve got nothing better to do.”

Peter hesitated. Lupin seemed like the type who liked his privacy. But Peter wanted to befriend someone, anyone, at Hogwarts and it looked like a good chance to get to know Black. So Peter shrugged and followed Black.


	8. Unwanted Sympathy On Both Sides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two chapters might be boring, but it is a tunnel towards other chapters in the future.  
> I know it was my job to make 'em interesting, but ... well, my writing sucks.  
> Sorry about that.

Remus was dragging himself across Gryffindor common room at 4 a.m. He had to make it to his room, so other people wouldn’t be curious about his absence. Remus winced at every step – it felt like knives were dancing in his skin. He looked up at the long, winding stairways to his dormroom and sighed. It’d take a miracle to make it to his room.

Remus could feel his consciousness slipping; he was in too much pain. Maybe he should have stayed in hospital wing like Madam Pomfrey had suggested. Remus laughed at his own thought; who was he kidding, thinking he had a right to other’s hospitality. Normal humans should not be burdened by animal like _him_.

He took one more step towards his dorm and felt a familiar dizzy feeling overcome his nerves. Remus fell unconscious on the floor.

\-------------

Sirius was secretly studying in a corner of Gryffindor common room when he heard portrait hole swinging open. Quickly extinguishing his lamp, Sirius curled into a ball, making himself invisible. Nobody was supposed to find out what he was up to. Sirius watched as Lupin limped his way through. Lupin looked like he was in pain. Sirius was still debating whether to help him or not when Lupin fell on the floor for like the 100th time; Sirius waited Lupin to rise but this time, he didn’t even stir. Suddenly Sirius realized that Lupin might have lost consciousness.

“Oh my God!! Lupin!!” Sirius cried; he forgot all his pretenses as he rushed to Lupin’s side. That guy needed help! Why didn’t Sirius help him sooner? HE didn’t know anything! Sirius was only a first-year for crying out loud! Oh Merlin!!! Lupin’s going to die and it’d be all his fault! He should have helped Lupin when he had his chance! For the sake of ... whoever, someone PLEASE come help them!

“Help! Anyone! Help!!” Sirius was shouting himself hollow. He didn’t have a clue what was to be done. However, a hand reached out and shushed him.

“...No.. don’t ... I’m fine ... Please ...” Remus’s voice was cracking, yet he seemed very determined to quieten Sirius.

Sirius kneeled at his side; Lupin’s ashen face and trembling limbs all attested to Lupin’s body far from being fine. A part of Sirius knew he had to get help whether Lupin wanted to or not; heaven knows what injuries he might have sustained. However, Sirius understood Lupin’s need to keep this a secret. Sirius came from _the Blacks_ , and hiding weaknesses was something he could relate to.

Sirius sighed. He didn’t want to relate with Lupin this way. Grimmuld place was far away from Hogwarts and Sirius planned to keep it that way.

“Fine. I won’t make a scene. But you have to at least go to your bed and lie down. Deal?”

Lupin nodded and tried to hoist himself up. Sirius rushed to help but Lupin shook his head, preventing Sirius from coming close to him. Sirius watched silently as Lupin finally stood and then again, crumbled to the floor. What was this boy playing at, thinking he could manage without Sirius’s help?

“Come on, let me help you.” Sirius said, pulling Lupin’s hand. Sirius meant to pull Lupin into standing position by doing that, but that action caused Lupin’s sleeves to fall back, revealing Lupin’s arms full of rope-marks and scars.

“What the FUCK is that?” Sirius shouted out, and Lupin shrunk back, like those words and his gaze literally bit him. At that moment, only thought that went through Remus’s head was ‘Oh my God I’m so screwed.‘

And indeed, he was.


	9. Lupin's tale; Friend or Foe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of combining a few chapters together.  
> So in the near future, don't be surprised when there are fewer chapters posted in here.

Lupin passed out again, and Sirius didn’t bother waking him up. He simply dragged Lupin up to their dorm, pondering what he had just witnessed. Sirius thanked his star for his efficiency in silencing charm; or else, he would’ve have had a lot to explain away. Not caring about tucking Lupin in, Sirius dumped him onto Lupin’s bed. His duty was now finished.

Next morning was Saturday, so naturally, James wanted to explore this castle head to toe. James woke up at crack of dawn (VERY annoying habit, according to Sirius) and dragged Sirius alongside him; by the time Sirius managed to escape James, Saturday was almost over. 

=========

Remus thought gravity was stronger after full moons; he felt its pull when he managed to sit up from his bed. However, Remus was not thinking about gravity that afternoon; he was thinking about last night. What was Sirius doing in Gryffindor common room at that hour? Maybe he had figured everything out ... and was waiting for Remus’s return that night. 

At that thought, Remus stood up so fast that his knees gave in; he crumbled to the floor. Remus was not yet ready for such rash actions. Not bothering to stand up, Remus thought about what John would do to him when he went back to John’s house. John would kill him.

“What are you doing, kneeling on the floor?” 

Remus turned his head and saw Sirius wearing a skeptic expression. Perhaps he was wondering whether it was safe to be alone in a room with a werewolf; Remus didn’t blame him.

“Are you going to come in or not?”

Sirius closed the door, and sat on the floor, beside Remus.

“Well, I can see you're grateful. You know, I carried you all the way up here, and that’s all the thanks I get?”

“YOU carried me?”

“Yeah. Who else? You fainted, remember?”

“You carried me?” 

“Yeah. Why are you so surprised? Look, mate, you may not like me, but I’m not heartless. You know.”

Remus was truly speechless. This was not the reaction he was expecting or one he was used to. Although if Remus was truly honest, he didn’t have experience with talking save for John.

“So you carried me.”

“This conversation is getting old. Are you capable of saying anything else?”

Remus was so out of his depth; Sirius was clearly setting a trap for him, pretending he was nice and all. But the thing is, Remus was a little touched that someone would willingly help him, a monster. Remus was eleven after all, and he craved human touch and attention.

“Thank you.”

Remus could tell Sirius was taken aback; clearly it was not the response Sirius expected. But Remus meant it; trap or not, Remus was grateful.

Without warning, Sirius stood up. Remus flinched a bit. Taking no notice of Remus, Sirius went to his bed and pulled out a expensive-looking jar.

“Here.” Sirius held the jar out, motioning Remus to take it. Remus could smell dittany. Why was Sirius carrying a powerful healing potion that costs more than Madam Pomfrey could afford in her infirmary? Did he think he’ll need it because he’s dorm-mates with a werewolf?

Remus slowly took it; but instead of checking out its contents, Remus looked at Sirius. Sirius seemed to be working up a courage to say something.

“I know... What it’s like to have secrets, weaknesses... So I won’t ask. Nor tell. Don’t worry. Whatever happened last night will stay between us.”

This time, Remus was taken aback. He couldn’t say anything coherent, so he settled for a croaked

“Why?”

“You remind me of ... of... something. Or someone. That’s all.”


	10. Thank You & Babbles

Thanks for waiting so long.

I wanted to delete this chapter, but I didn't have the heart to delete the replies so I've settled for changing this chapter.

From here is just full of my small talks, so you can skip it. 

(This talk does not have anything to do with Facing the Monster called yourself)

\----------------------  
While I've been away, I've tried so hard to forget about this fic, but it was impossible.

This fan-fiction literally haunted me. 

So I came back a little earlier then expected, therefore my situation hasn't improved much.

I'm still unstable and undecided.

Thank you for reading this fic!!


	11. Christmas Carol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've been away for so long.
> 
> I made a special short piece to thank you guys for waiting  
> (if there is any left, I mean)
> 
> Plz pardon my shrunken writing skills ; I've not had any chance for writing in a long time.

A short Special piece: Christmas Carol

It was a month before Christmas, but a survey on who’s staying at Hogwarts was already posted up at Gryffindor common room. Remus didn’t know what he should do. Going back home and staying at Hogwarts both seemed like a bad idea. Whenever Remus was in John’s sight, his temper rose – season’s spirit, joy and forgiveness, was a lost cause to John. 

Remus could stay at Hogwarts, he supposed. But... then he would be alone at Christmas. He was only 11, after all, and he craved company. 

Resigning himself to his fate, he signed the empty paper. He guessed that lonliness was a fate he would soon be used to. 

\--------------------------------------------

Sirius didn’t know what to do.

He was torn between his most basic instincts ; one side of Sirius knew he should obey mother and stay at Hogwarts for being a Gryfindor, but then one side of Sirius wanted to see his baby brother, Reg. Sirius was pacing round the Gryfindor common room in agony when he spotted a lone signature on the wall. 

Remus Lupin.

In that instant, Sirius decided to stay; after all, mother told him to make acquaintances at Hogwarts. Sirius knowingly ignored ‘pureblood’ part on her speech.  
=====================================

 

December 24th, Christmas eve.

Sirius was a little annoyed; he KNEW Remus stayed during holidays, and he KNEW Remus shared dorms with him. But Sirius couldn’t even trace Remus. Where was Remus? 

The answer was simple; Remus was at the library, last place Sirius thought to look. Judging by the laughter and singing sound ringing through the library, this building was not sound proofed. 

“Who spends holidays studying? I mean really.”

“So what? Why do you care?” Remus seemed defensive; Sirius wondered why.

“Come on. It’s Christmas eve! Studying today is practically a sin.”

Without asking for Remus’s opinion, Sirius grabbed his wrist and ran. Sirius was actually a little surprised at Remus’s weakness; Remus’s struggles were so meek it barely counted. 

Struggling against Sirius’s firm grip, Remus was painfully aware of his lack of strength. Full moon was just two days ago, and Remus wasn’t fully healed yet. Sirius stopped at Professor Sprout’s greenhouse. Unlocking the greenhouse door expertly, Sirius shoved Remus in. Catching his breath, Remus prepared himself. Black’s father was a active advocate for werewolf hunting – like father, like son.

To Remus’s surprise, Sirius just sat down against the glass wall and gestured towards the plants. 

“Aren’t those nice?” Sirius asked with a big smile.

Actually, it was. Instead of normal foul plants like mandrakes, devil’s snare, and mud-traps, this greenhouse was filled with rows and rows of Christmas trees. The smell of fir, pine, and cypress surrounded Remus, and Remus almost smiled. 

“Come and sit here.” Sirius petted the ground. 

“No thanks. I’d rather finish my book.” Remus turned to leave. Being alone with Black was dangerous.

“Please? I don’t want to be alone at Christmas eve.”

Ignoring the plea in Black’s voice, Remus tried to leave. However, a quick sideways glance at Black made Remus felt guilty - Black looked so crestfallen Remus felt like he was abandoning a puppy. Against his better judgment, Remus sat down.

Together they sat together quietly for a while, watching the snow outside. Though the weather outside was freezing, greenhouse kept two boys warm and comfortable. 

“Why didn’t you go out and play with others? You know students and professors are building snow forts. Dumbledore seemed to be really enjoying it, you know. He even drew blueprint for some parts. He designed a snow bell to ring carols. Isn’t it cool?”

“Yeah it’s cool. But I just want to be alone.”

“Even on Winter holidays? I mean, when atmosphere’s this festive, it’s harder to be alone, no?”

Remus didn’t reply.

“Guess not.” Sirius murmured. 

Silence. It was the first time Sirius and Remus was making an attempt at decent conversation, and both didn’t know how to carry this on. Sirius wondered why conversation with Remus wasn’t as easy as conversation with others. 

“It’s hard for me, you know. To be surrounded by strangers during this season. Makes me feel more alone.” Sirius admitted sheepishly

After a while, Remus spoke listlessly. 

“Doesn't make a difference if it’s winter holidays or not. I’m always alone.” 

Both of them just sat there, looking into each other’s eyes. Sirius thought he was something like resignation in those amber eyes. Sirius wanted to say something, anything, to comfort this fragile boy.

“No.” Sirius squeezed out a word.

Remus raised one eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You... you’re not alone. This eve, at this Christmas eve, you’re with me.”

“Oh.”  
Remus didn’t know what to say. 

“...Cuz on Christmas You can depend  
You gave your presents to me  
And I gave mine to you  
I need Santa beside me  
In everything I do...“

“What’s that song?” Sirius looked away as he changed the subject, and Remus was grateful.

“It’s one of the muggle carols. Wonder who ...?”

“Dumbledore!! I heard that he’s a big muggle fan!! This is so cool!!”

“Well, this song’s not my favorite, but it’s okay, I guess.”

“Ohhh!! What do you mean? A muggle carol is way beyond cool!! Let me listen.”

Listening to Sirius beside him and smiling to himself, Remus slowly felt sleepy; that healing potion is finally working, then. Remus tried to stay awake, but he soon dozed off to sleep. 

Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but when he noticed Remus snoring lightly, he gave up and sat quietly. Unconsciously, Remus lay his head on Sirius’s shoulder. 

Next morning, Professor Sprout smiled to herself as she saw Remus and Sirius sleeping, head resting on each other. She took out a tattered blanket from her bag, and wrapped it round two troubled boys. 

“Merry Christmas, both of you.”


	12. James's tale : a friend or a foe?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've posted a lot of wolfstar lately, so I'm posting a bit of James and Peter's side of this tale.
> 
> their parts are essential in this story, too.
> 
> James and Peter, as well as Sirius and Remus, are main characters in this story.
> 
> Please enjoy this part as well!!
> 
> Thank you!

===================================================  
Peter was not born to be a thief; Peter guessed nobody was. They’re just made into one. Born or made, the fact was, Peter was a thief. Though many people think stealing is easy, it required more then what meets the eye. 

One has to know one's surroundings, target, and timing very precisely to steal. A good thief is like a actor, Peter thought. Only difference between an actor and thief is that a good actor gathers audiences; yet a good thief should never have audiences. 

Peter thought once he got into Hogwarts, he wouldn’t have to steal ever again. Why would anyone steal when they can perform magic? That thought was gone when he learned Gamp’s law of elemental transfiguration, telling you that you can't magic things out of thin air. 

After that transfiguration lesson, Peter gave up being a honest person and started to draw a Hogwarts map. One has to know his surroundings to make a quick getaway. People would never guess that being a good thief include being a good cartographer, Peter thought to himself.

Plus, Peter didn’t know what counted as valuables in the magical community. Peter decided to find out while he was still making that map. 

Only problem left was Potter. Potter knew about Peter’s record. If something went missing, Potter was bound to suspect Peter. Peter still couldn’t figure Potter out. Peter has been avoiding Potter like a plague - since that day at the back alley. 

Shrugging off that thoughts about Potter and his ‘friends talk’, Peter rolled up his incomplete map and trotted into darkness.  
\------------------------

James was avoiding thinking about the word ‘stalking’ as he followed Peter. It’s not stalking, James told himself, it’s just some pre-investigation before he made friends with Peter.

‘Why are you taking things this far?’

I dunno, James answered himself. Perhaps I’ll find out once I become friends with him.

‘You have the whole castle full of people wanting to be friends with you, you know that, right?’

I know. But... I dunno.

‘Is it pity?’

No! James shook his head. Though I knew that orphanage wasn’t feeding him properly.... It’s not pity.

‘Is it guilt?’

Um.... No. Not guilt. 

“Oh shut up.” James told himself as he chased Peter silently down the hall.

“Who are we stalking?” James swore he jumped a mile. Cursing, he turned to find a bright-eyed Sirius looking at him with interest. 

“Noone.” James answered hurriedly, but Sirius was too clever for James’s benefit. 

“hmm.. It’s Peter, isn’t it?”

“What?! NO!!” James said that tad too loudly.

“Don’t worry.” Sirius petted his head. “Your secret’s safe with me.” 

Though he seemed to be saying those words a lot, Sirius thought. 

“So,” Sirius turned with his mischievous smile, “Why are we stalking him?”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

James let out a sigh. It was hard job, making Sirius believe it was Lily he was stalking instead of Peter. Since James himself didn’t know why he was following Peter, he couldn’t explain it to Sirius. Though come to think of it, Sirius knew James disliked Lily. Oh well, James thought, I was looking for a chance to prank her or something. I’ll just make it up.

Sirius contemplated why would James lie to him. Little while ago, Sirius saw James acting like a clumsy stalker – everyone in the hall noticed James – and decided to follow James to see what he was up to. Once he was certain James was following Peter did he approach James. 

“Hmm... a weakness, then?” Sirius murmured to himself, then shook his head.

No. he won’t collect weaknesses, that’s too... Mother.  
James was his friend, and Sirius will help him, whatever it is that James is up to.


	13. Watching each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such late update.  
> I just got into this new job, which made me super busy.

Previously on Facing a Monster called Yourself :

“I know... What it’s like to have secrets, weaknesses. So I won’t ask nor tell. Don’t worry. Whatever happened last night will stay between us.”

This time, Remus was taken aback. He couldn’t say anything coherent, so he settled for a croaked

“Why?”

“You remind me of ... of... something. Or someone. That’s all.”

*  
*  
*  
*

Sirius gave Remus his most charming doggie-like smile, and then left the dorm soundlessly.

Remus thought maybe his loneliness got the best of him and he’s imagining things. Black heir helping him up to his bed and promising to keep Remus’s scars silent was too surreal. However, hallucination theory couldn’t explain bottle of dittany in his hand. He slowly opened the bottle and tested it on his left wrist.

“It’s.. it’s real”

His wounds were gone like it never existed. This dittany’s real, then. Remus’s hands started to shake. It’s real. The whole dialogue had actually happened. What does it mean? Why did Black had it in the first place?

Remus tried to follow Black, but even one attempt at standing was too much for him. Groaning on the floor, Remus tried to put together a puzzle that is Sirius Black.

==========

Sirius was sure that _now_ Remus would like him. Who wouldn’t? He was kind, caring, and giving. Now, Sirius supposed, he was irresistible to Remus. His master plan to make everyone like him had succeeded with ease. Part of him really felt sorry for Remus, but Sirius knowingly ignored that part. (Those feelings are dangerous, mother told him.)

However, his rose-colored vision was broken when Remus still didn’t acknowledge him – at all.

Huh, a challenge then? Sirius mused with his wicked smile as he turned to James- Sirius would deal with that later.

“What are we taking today?”

“Firstly, History of Magic. Dear Binns is waiting for us, mate.”

“Urgh. What do you say we ditch it?”

James laughed. “Not this time. We did it the last time and the time before that. Even Binns could get suspicious.”

“History repeats itself” Sirius said in mock-solemn voice of Professor Binns.

“Oh shut it, you wanker. We’re going to class.”

Groaning only halfheartedly, Sirius let James drag him across the hall. James was right, after all.

An hour later Sirius was convinced James could not be more wrong. Sirius was just drifting off to another round of sleep when he noticed Remus taking notes fiercely. Maybe I’m still asleep, Sirius mused. Nobody sane can stay awake in here... That was the last thought Sirius managed before he went back to sleep.

Since that History of Magic class, Sirius had taken to see when would Remus sag off in class. However, the answer was never; whenever Sirius saw Remus, he was either taking notes, or doing exercises professors had assigned. Sirius was forced to admit that Remus’s dedication for learning was unbreakable.

But also watching Remus constantly gave Sirius other insights into Remus. Like how Remus _loves sweets_. In Sirius’s opinion, the word ‘sweet tooth’ was made to describe Remus. Remus always had sweet things with him. When Remus took out a particular Honeydukes chocolate, Sirius almost let out a yelp of recognition : it was his favorite brand, too!

From what he had observed, Remus seemed kind, caring, and studious. Then what was that? That night, when Sirius saw scars and rope marks up and down Remus’s arm.

Only one explanation came to Sirius’s mind : household violence.  


================  
After that night, Remus had taken to watching Black – however, all those efforts were fruitless. Remus looked down on the scroll he had assigned just for Sirius Black.

Black is always laughing.  
Black rarely pays attention during class (yet his marks are higher then most)  
Black always has a Zonko’s merchandise up his sleeve.  
Black’s laugher seems to be contagious

Remus sighed and scratched the last bit. He needed something other then these rubbish. Analyzing how attractive Black is won’t help. Remus gave up watching Black and went over to the notice board for any new Help-wanted ads. Then it suddenly came to him : in all those moments, Black just wanted to befriend him.


	14. Boy of Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such late update.  
> I've added a bit to the last chapter, so it would be nice to read the previous chapter once again.

Poverty does not mean you’re short of money ; it means that your whole life is restricted by money. At least, that’s what Remus thought as he scanned the notice board for any job openings he could do. 

There it was : a rather abandoned – looking ad, explaining about replying messages and sending out various types of letters. It didn’t pay much (only 7 sickles per hour) but it’s only requirement was neat handwriting. As a firstie, Remus decided to take what he could get. Ripping that ad from the wall, Remus rushed to Mcgonagall’s office.

After his first day at Mcgonagall’s office, Remus was hopeful. Writing responses weren’t that difficult, and he had plenty of time to study. Extra cash and a private place to study, Remus thought, it’s not so bad after all. Remus slipped into Gryfindor portrait hole, fully expecting to find the common room empty. However, Remus was mistaken; a lone lamp was shining on a small boy – he seemed to have fallen asleep while he was studying – several books were scattered around him. 

His curiosity piqued, Remus went over to check. It was Sirius Black. he sucked his breath in sharply. What was he doing here?

Come to think of it, Sirius was in the common room, alone, during the night of the full moon. Remus didn’t think too deeply about it because he wasn’t in any state to think then.  
Coincidence? 

Remus thought about it, then slowly shook his head. No. Judging by the books stashed round Black, he’s been at this – secret nighttime studying – for some time now. Just when Remus was slowly retreating away, Black stirred and locked eyes with Remus.

“Please! Don’t tell anyone!!” 

“About what?”

“About my nighttime studying – wait. What are YOU doing at this late hour?”

“I’m just back from Mcgonagall’s office. I got a part-time job at there.”

“Oh.”

“What are you doing at this late hour?”

“I’m.. I’m studying.” 

Sirius actually looked sheepish; Remus never saw this look on his face before. Remus was surprised; he just assumed Blacks never get embarrassed or something.

“You know we’re at school. It’s an institution dedicated for studying, you know. You don’t have to hide to study.”

“You.. you don’t understand.” Black must have thought of something horrible; he was trembling all over. Black looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

“Black! Black!! Sirius!!”

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I won’t pressure you.”

“Huh?”

Trying to remember the words correctly, Remus said slowly ; 

“I know... What it’s like to have secrets, weaknesses. So I won’t ask nor tell. Don’t worry. This...(Remus gestured to Sirius and his books) will stay between us.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Remus added “It’s the least I could do.”

Leaving bewildered looking Sirius behind, Remus retreated to his bed.


End file.
